Waiting, Waiting

Wow, been a while since I've been on here. We FAIPed, so we will be staying in Del Rio for the next few years while Travis is an instructor pilot on the T1. We were very excited! My first Thanksgiving went great! Thanks to the help of Cassie, everything turned out successful. I found a turkey recipe online that was perfect. It was so moist, which was what I figured to be the biggest challenge. The holidays were wonderful and we really enjoyed the time off with family & friends. Now, we're back to normal life. Travis is in San Antonio training to be an instructor and I'm here in Del Rio taking 3 online classes and working part time at the church...however, this isn't why I write.

Travis and I found out about 3 weeks ago that we were expecting. We couldn't have been more excited. We phoned family and close friends immediately. However, things haven't been 100% for me the past few weeks. Not your typical pregnancy issues....in fact, that's the problem. I didn't get morning sickness, my boobs are hardly sore and I have absolutely no cravings or aversions. I have always had a heart for miscarriages, always been consumed by them despite no family history of them. Well, despite my instincts and my scares, I tried to completely trust God and ignore my worries. My way of tackiling this "trust" problem was going a little more public with the pregnancy than I felt comfortable. That was my own little way of fighting my worries. Well, five days ago I woke up with blood in my underwear. Distraught, I called the doctor in a panic but given that it was dark and only spotting they weren't concerned and told me what to watch for. There was no real change over the next couple of days and I did my best to remain calm. Mid-Thursday, it got worse. I ended up in the ER all evening waiting and waiting to find out if my baby was okay. Travis was able to leave work and drive down to Del Rio. Since the ER wait was so long, he actually made it before I saw the doctor. They were unable to find a heart beat and my HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels were low. They basically notified us that there is a good chance we will have a miscarriage and told us to make an appt with the OBGYN in 4 days to recheck everything. This is where we are now. It's Saturday and I haven't miscarried. I'm simply on "bed" and "pelvic rest" waiting to cramp, waiting to miscarry. There is a chance the baby is okay, but I'm prepared for the opposite. I am currently a roller coaster of emotions. It's an impossible mix of pain, guilt and shame. On the other hand, I feel like God has been preparing me for this. Like this was meant to happen to me, it was meant to be my trial. I feel a strange sense of strength. I have nothing left to do right now but trust God and trust His plan with all of this. Travis couldn't be more selfless and has been such a saint these past few days. We have such a compassionate support system that has really carried us through. When I look around at all of them, it's hard to feel sorry for myself at all. If this baby wasn't meant to carry to full term, I will be heartbroken. Yet, as I look around me I realize that I won't be alone in my pain. We are so loved.

So, here's to waiting...