Hope

We did end up going through a miscarriage. Dr. Chartrand couldn't find a heartbeat this time and the baby hadn't grown at all since my first appointment. It was really hard for me to grasp the notion that our baby's heart stopped beating. I think a miscarriage is difficult at any stage - no exceptions - heartbeat or not. However, in our miscarriage, that little factor is what haunts me the most. Our babies heart stopped beating; it died.

I chose to have a D&C rather than wait for it to happen naturally. I actually would have preferred the natural way under normal circumstances, but Travis was only home for a week and I figured it would be better to go through everything while he was here. The procedure was quick and I had little to no physical pain afterwards. I wasn't really fond of that, actually. I woke up from the surgery feeling exactly the same as I did going in to it - except the baby was officially gone and I didn't get to say goodbye.

I didn't feel confident about the pregnancy from the beginning. Something just didn't feel right. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed for peace about it. In a way, the miscarriage was God's answer to my prayer for peace. Just not the answer I was hoping for. I don't understand His ways but I trust Him. It helps me to know that so many strong women who I admire have been in my shoes. It helps me fight the bitterness and gives me hope. One line in the song "Glory Baby" has been particularly uplifting: "But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home. And it's all you'll ever know, it's all you'll ever know." One of my biggest fears in becoming a mother is how to protect my children from this world. What a relief to know that one of my babies will never have to experience the trials and tribulations that we all do. It's encouraging to know that all my baby will ever experience is heaven and that the first person to hold him/her was Jesus.

Grieving but I'm hopeful. Hopeful for myself and for all of the women who are in my shoes.